the hunter house does america


It’s that time again: the Hunter House is moving cross-country (we do this a lot).  This time, we’re taking a few extra days for ourselves and turning it into a vacation.  Because I can’t think of anything more relaxing than hauling our lives, two dogs, and a toddler 2800 miles and living out of suitcases for a month.  That wasn’t a joke.  We’re actually excited about this.  Last time, we took the southern route and spent some time in the Homeland.  This time, we’re going to the frozen tundra so that I can visit Husband’s old stomping grounds.  He’s from some northern state that starts with “M”.  I’m really not that bad at geography, but all all of those “Midwestern” states run together for me: they all either start with “M” or “I” (except for that one that starts with “W” but a “W” is just an upside-down “M” so it totally fits the theme, anyway) and they’re all fantastically cold and none of them are actually anywhere near the western part of the United States.  “Midwest” is a very misleading term.  I would believe “Northern Mideast” but geographically speaking, “midwest” should be Colorado and Wyoming.  Anything east of the Mississippi is the East and anything above the Mason-Dixon is frozen tundra.  Thus placing the “Midwest” squarely in the “Eastern Frozen Tundra” region of my US map.  I might have actually just thought it was Canada and never realized it.

Also, they play this weird sport called “hockey”.  Husband told me that his high school had a 10-million dollar ice rink or something like that.  How weird.  They could have built a bigger football stadium in my opinion.  Or a rodeo arena.  Husband also said they had this thing called “Spring Break” where they all had a week off of school and left for warmer regions of the country.  We had a week off of school for the Rodeo.   And apparently only Texas takes a whole year of history class to cover state history.  Well-deserved though, seeing as how we were our own country and all of that.  Husband said that was weird. I asked him what it was like to see Canadian Mounties in the streets and if he had to get a visa to come to the States.

But very nice people come from these places and I’m excited to visit and have the Saurus spend a little time with his grandparents.  I hear it’s pretty and there’s a giant shopping mall.  I can deal with that.  As long as there aren’t too many people.  Surely it won’t be crowded, right? Right?

I’ll let you know how it goes.  If you want to follow along on our caravan of awesome, you can either follow the trail of baby shoes Saurus will undoubtedly leave, or follow C&W on facebook or twitter with #hunterhousedoesamerica.  (I’m finally learning about words following the number sign.  Something about hashbrowns.  Or hashtags.  I don’t know.  I’m working on it.)  Or the newsletter!  So many forms of communication!  Considering this is vacation and my kitchen usage will be few and far between, I won’t be blogging much until we get settled into our new house in June.  See you on the other side.  Of the country.  Literally.

Also, I couldn’t find an accurate map to guide us on our road trip, so I drew one.  I’m pretty sure it will work – it’s very precise.  I call it “America”.  Husband says, “America according to a Texan who dislikes temperatures below 60.” Tomato, Tomahto.

most of america-2

Husband: Detroit is in Michigan
Me: Exactly.
Husband: You labelled the whole state of Ohio as Detroit.
Me: Ohio?  No, that’s definitely Detriot. I’m pretty sure it’s all the same thing anyway. What’s Ohio? Are you sure that’s not where Detroit is? All I know is I’m really not interested in spending any time in either place – they both sound scary.
Husband: There’s no hope for you. What’s the capital of Uzbekistan?
Me: Tashkent, why?
Husband: Why do you know that but don’t know the difference between Ohio and Michigan?
Me: Because they’re all the same. It doesn’t matter which one’s which. We’ve been over this. Wait – is Detroit part of Mitten?
Husband: Yes. It’s called “Michigan” in the rest of America.
Me: Mitten, Michigan. Potato, Potahto. People from there always hold up their hands like a mitten anyway.  They should just start calling it “Mitten”.  And those people seem so nice and Detroit seems so….not nice.  I’ve seen 8 Mile.   8 Mile did not happen in Mitten.
Husband: Believe it.
Me: Really, though…what’s in Ohio?
Husband: A bunch of people who probably hate you for forgetting their state exists.
Me: Tell them to stop pretending to play football and start making delicious BBQ and I’ll start paying attention.
Husband: You’re also missing Alaska and Hawaii.
Me: Those places are nice but not applicable to my map. It’s like if I were to put France on there. Makes no sense.
Husband: Except that those places are part of America.
Me: I know. Great Americans, those people. But seriously. It’s just too far. And I’m predisposed to not like Alaska because they keep trying to claim “Biggest State” when it’s clearly Texas. Alaska is 100% glacier. That cannot count. And Hawaii is surrounded by Ocean. I dislike Ocean and that makes Hawaii suspect. Also, I’ve heard things there are ridiculously expensive and I’m not really into that. Texas is ginormous, inhabitable, warm, cheap, and not surrounded by Ocean and thus awesome. I’ll just label my map as “Most of America”. Will that help?
Husband: I really hope you never run for political office.
Me: Except in Texas. I could be President of Texas. They’d love my map.
Husband: Texas is not a country.
Me: …yet.

*disclaimer: I love America. All parts of it. And I do know which state is which. Well, 99%. I still get a little confused by Detroit. This is a satirical map – no offense to any particular state intended. (Real conversation, though.)

One thought on “the hunter house does america

  1. Pingback: the hunter house did america | chuck and welly

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