Hello? Internet? Is this thing on? Testing 1, 2, 3…..

Okay. Regardless if anyone is still paying attention or not, I figured it was time for an update. Two months is okay between posts, right?! Good thing there are no rules for blogging and even if there were, I’m betting no one is actually still paying attention to judge me on them.

Now, where to start?! I would love to say that husband and I have been on wonderful adventures and I have had fresh cookies in the oven every day. If I tell myself that enough times, it becomes true, right? I think so. But I think it takes a lot of pixie dust. I’ve been saying I’m a millionaire for years now but by bank account is still missing quite a few zeros. Someday, my friends. Someday.


In reality I have been mostly sitting on the couch, wearing yoga pants, and being miserable for the last two months. I saw the inside of my kitchen a couple of times to make the ultimate comfort food, my mother’s oatmeal cinnamon cookies. But I can’t remember the recipe right now so you’re going to have to wait on that. I keep telling myself there’s a good reason for the disaster my life has become. Husband and I are embarking on the most giant DIY project ever: a tiny human.

I was clued into this phenomenon when I accidentally ate an entire can of Pringles and bawled my eyes out on the way home from work for no reason whatsoever. I figured I had some serious mental issues or….
I turned around a bought a test. And some ice cream. And then another. And some Hershey bars. And another.

Yikes. But I did feel slightly better that those 15 lbs I had mysteriously gained overnight weren’t really my fault. Since Husband was working that night, I romantically texted him a picture of the test with the caption: “I blame you”. Very touching.

My previous feeling on children is that I’ll only sign up for the gig when I get a Range Rover. I don’t have a Range Rover, but now I’m growing a baby. Husband definitely won on this one. Not to worry, we’re both very excited about this. Husband more so since he’s not the one getting fat and growing hair in places it shouldn’t be growing. I’m pretty excited because now I get to start another board on pinterest for small human things.

I’m learning through this ordeal that once you’re actually pregnant, you’re no longer allowed to joke about babies and children. I vow to change this.
When going out to lunch, I jokingly requested somewhere that had “ginormous milkshakes now that I’m going to get fat anyway.” the shocked silence told me no one got the joke and was I quickly told that “you’re only supposed to eat an extra 300 calories during pregnancy and they should be vegetables or something healthy.” Word to the wise: when you tell a pregnant lady she can’t have a milkshake, nothing on earth can stop her from getting one. It’s spite. We’re all kinds of grumpy to begin with, why would you want to mess with that?! Don’t. Just don’t. Save yourselves, people. Keep the fat women happy.
I also mentioned that I don’t need to worry about getting a crib since the baby can just sleep in the kennel with Ranger and Tonto. I received a blank stare. And I’m fairly certain that DCFS received an anonymous call the minute I left. Maybe I’m just not funny anymore. The baby has not only stolen my body and brain cells, but sense of humor as well.

On my first doctor visit, (by the way, the quickest way to turn a woman off to children is to put them in a waiting room with 15 fat, miserable women and their screaming progeny) I had to fill out a general patient form. There were three blanks, which I answered to the best of my ability:
1. Why are you here? because I ate an entire can of Pringles and had to buy a preggo test and Hershey bars
2. How long have you had this issue? hopefully less than nine months
3. Is this issue getting better or worse? (circle one) naturally, I circled worse. Just keeping it honest.
I’m fairly certain they also think I’m going to be the worst mother ever but the doctor said I was hilarious anyway and wanted to hang my form in his office to remind him that we’re not all grumpy and serious. And then I felt slightly better about babies.

So….long story short, our zoo is growing by one more. Thanks for your patience while I re-evaluate my life plan.

photo by the fabulous Deirdre Lewis at Pictures of Prose