beer police

at dinner:

Husband: Do you think it’s illegal to drink this beer with a straw?

Me: Illegal?! Yes. The beer police are going to materialize and arrest you immediately.

Husband: That’s all? I thought they would do something extreme like kick me in the balls.

Me: Nah, but they’ll definitely take your man card.

Husband: Probably two man-cards. I only have one so you’ll have to let me borrow yours.

Me: I can’t believe this is actually a conversation. Put down that straw.

And then I found this on the internet:

I can’t wait til the next baby shower. I’m going to have the best. gift. ever.

husband 1, me 0

Marriage can’t be about all fun and games. Or so I’ve been told. We haven’t figured that part out yet and continue to do ridiculously fun things, like this mud run. Silly us.

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We can’t even manage to have a non-ridiculous fight talk. A constant topic of discussion in our marriage is my mind-reading abilities. Little did Husband realize, but when I said “I do” I instantly developed this crazy ability to know exactly what he meant to say, regardless of the words coming out of his mouth. Wives, you know what I’m talking about.

Husband: These cookies are delicious.
Me: Is that a fat joke?
Husband: What are you talking about? You made cookies and they’re tasty.
Me: But you think I shouldn’t have any because I’m fat?! That’s just mean.
Husband: I was just trying to tell you thanks for the cookies. You’re crazy.
Me: You don’t love me anymore?!?!

At which point Husband walks away eating cookies and I collapse into tears. Happens every time. Husband says it’s because I don’t actually have any mind reading skills and I’m making stuff up. I tell him that would never happen and I know exactly what he’s thinking all of the time. Marriage has made me an expert on male mind-reading. He says that he usually just says exactly what he’s thinking so there is no need for mind-reading. I don’t think it could be that simple. There is often a huge disconnect between what I say and what I’m thinking. By my flawless logic, this is true of everyone. Husband says no and that I’m still crazy. I say the jury’s out.
Not only did I develop mind-reading skills at our wedding, but Husband also unknowingly gave me license to insert my opinion on everything. Obviously he wants to hear my brilliant and witty comments on all aspects of life.

in the middle of one such discussion:
Me: You put a ring on it. That means you automatically want my input on everything.
Husband: I put a ring on it. That means you should be naked all of the time. See? I can make up rules too.

Touché.